Today is the last of 14 chemotherapy treatments that started back in January. What a journey it’s been! When I was diagnosed I was not mad at God but I did question why he would let this happen again. I couldn’t understand it. We just got settled into living in Nicaragua and could not wrap our minds around why this was happening. Why at all, but really, why now? So, there was a lot of confusion but we know God’s ways are not our own so we made the decision to trust him again with this and see what he does with it.
If I had to compare this time with the last time I was diagnosed 7 years ago I would say this time has been much easier but not without struggle. My treatments were every three weeks. So on every third Monday I would go in for 7 hours and receive my treatment. Then I would spend the next 5-7 days popping meds to avoid nausea and then have to take a bunch of other meds to counteract the side effects of the anti-nausea meds. This was not easy on my body. The two weeks after that I would feel pretty good and found that I could accomplish quite a bit. It was obvious to me that God still had things for me to do. But what he taught me was that I needed to be patient and trust him because although it was “easier” I still have a rough road ahead. This was my treatment cycle.
During the two weeks post treatment, when I was really starting to feel good (I’d even get a nice peach fuzz growing on my head) the looming cloud of chemo week was always there. When it came it would stop me in my tracks and keep me out of things that I wanted to be a part of or keep me from seeing people I wanted to see. That was the hardest part - how disruptive to life it was. It played on my emotions at times too. While I now have 100 new hats in my closet, looking at myself in the mirror without hair got old really fast. Wearing a wig made me feel worse, so I barely wore it even though it kept people from staring at me in public. Normally the looks didn’t bother me but if I wasn’t in the best mood, it would effect me. In general, the experience made me put my life on hold and changed me again physically. My hair will grow back and I’ll lose the weight I gained but it’s the permanent damage that I can’t do anything about.
But like I said, God told me to be patient and to trust him. Looking back, now at the very end of this cancer journey, I can see all the intricately placed moments and events that have occurred as a result of my sickness, and how they were all perfectly orchestrated with incredible intention that only a completely loving and incredibly merciful and gracious God could do. His ways are not our ways.
Relationships strengthened, new ones formed, abundant healing, people entering the Kingdom, and an even closer relationship with my creator are just a few of the things that have come as a result of my cancer. I love the life he has given me and I wouldn’t take back a single moment of it. While I did not enjoy having cancer and would prefer not to do it again, I’m not altogether sorry it happened. The good trumps the bad because that’s the kind of God we serve.
So, I’m beyond happy - on so many levels. I want to thank my amazing husband, incredible family, friends (near and far), and church body. Once again, you have given me love, laughter, and joy during a time when darker feelings could easily be present and take over. Thank you to my wonderful doctors and nurses who have taken such good care of me (even when I forgot about appointments or to refill my medicines on time-it was the chemo!). :-)
As I look at our calendar, at the months ahead, I am thrilled with the things we’ll be a part of. I am excited because God has used the last nine months to prepare us for the work we have ahead of us. Seven days from now we’ll be on a plane to Jerusalem. No, we don’t waste any time. I am married to Dustin remember! And the adventure continues....
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| First time apple picking this past weekend. |
